Nigela Lawson found in contempt of court for seducing judge

From domestic goddess to contemptible seductress

LONDON -- For the past three weeks, much of the nation's focus has been on the trial of the two former assistants, the Grillo sisters, of Nigella Lawson and Charles Saatchi.

The trial took an unexpected turn this morning, when as the assistants' verdict was announced, a third an unexpected announcement was made: Nigella Lawson has been found to be in contempt of court.

Throughout hearings, Nigella's answers were very much her own. When asked about her initial need for the aides Nigella told the court: "Sometimes, particularly in the festive season, we're all a bit naughty and need some help. When I serve my boozy little cream tarts, the party can get out of hand, and cleaning up in the morning is a task for two". Her smouldering eyes cut across the courtroom, putting a lump in the Judge's throat.

On the topic of the Grillo sisters' expenditure Nigella explained, "We can all get a bit carried away in Donna Karan. Once you've slipped into a pair of her charmeuse-trimmed Chantilly lace briefs, and felt their light airiness between your thighs, it's heaven and you'll be damned not to walk out in them ...", a collective gasp was heard in the courtroom, "the girls have busy stressful lives, and sometimes hiring in one of the boys to give them a cheeky massage in the hot tub and a nice bottle of Dom is the best cure", looking directly at the Judge she said heavily, "You just melt into the bubbles".

The Judge, flustered and trying to stand, found himself immodestly incapacitated and sat down again to giggles across the courtroom. Addressing Nigella, but finding his gaze lost in her sculpted bosom, court was adjourned.

Nigella was ruled to have obstructed the administration of justice through her actions, which "affronted the authority of the court and frustrated the abilities of the Judge".